Saturday, August 03, 2013

Wants & Needs

I want to lose weight... I'm now like 150lbs... I don't even know how it happens...

I NEED to lose weight... I feel better (physically & emotionally).

How?  Exercise, of course!  I really, really, really need to get on a regular exercise schedule!  I just feel too blah to do it... why do I feel blah?  BECAUSE I'm overweight!  Because I am in a depressed state of mind because of what I look like!  How did I get to this weight?  Because I was happy at being 135lbs and didn't do anything to maintain that weight because I thought it would magically stay that way if I wished it would!  I need to get out of my imaginary world and do something!

Another thing?  It's kind of secret... I really want another baby... I don't know if this is a passing phase or what... But, it's also something that I'm fighting inside myself too because even though I would love (and have always seen myself with) more children... I do enjoy my free time when they're at school and I do enjoy their growing independence.  And I can finally read books again - having a baby/toddler really makes this hard because they demand so much time and energy as well as their little hands constantly grabbing the book.

I have even read up on what makes your pregnancy "high-risk"... I mean, just because you're over 35, you're automatically put in the "high-risk" category; which is just insane, in my opinion.  I've looked up about having a Down's Syndrome child... usually happens because of something inherited from the parents (I know of no blood-related Down's child on either side) and low folic acid.  I've been taking folic acid :)

My children always talk about me having another baby.  They're all for it.  They're the ones who bring it up.  I don't discuss it with them... I mean, I actually tell them the negatives (my age, their age differences) and they aren't concerned about that.  I actually think it would be a good learning experience for my girls -because should I have another, they'll be older and understand the ramifications of them having children and may even cause them to postpone having children until they're in their 20's or so! lol.

I sometimes think that my body gaining weight for no reason is because it's been ready to carry another child.  I had started gaining weight back (after getting to my good, prenatal weight) around the time Wyatt was 2 yrs old.  Ever since then, it's been a roller coaster of me being at a good weight and me being overweight :(

As I've said earlier, I've always seen myself with more children.  Even as a child, I always envisioned myself surrounded by lots of kids.  One of things I wanted to be as a kid, was a hospital nursery nurse; so, I could hold those babies and give them love.  Why didn't I have more children?  Well, because Jeremy & I had such a rocky relationship for such a long time (like 10 yrs) :(  The times I conceived were in those times we were doing better... but, when it was bad, it was bad and I'd just think, "How can I justify bringing another child into a family such as ours?"  So, I wouldn't get pregnant.  It was really bad.  And I really didn't see it getting any better.  However, things have changed and we've been doing really well for like 5 yrs!  Thankfully!  And me wanting another child has nothing to do with celebrating that; although, I think it would be a totally different labor and delivery than before...

One more thing... I've had 2 readings.  One was when Ursula was a toddler and one when Wyatt was a baby.  One was runes and the other were playing cards.  Both times, they showed me with 5 children!  How weird is that?  And the one with the playing cards showed possibly twin boys.

Of course, I'll be totally fine with having my three children.  I love seeing them grow, change, and mature.

Maybe, perhaps, this too, shall pass :)

No comments: